Monday, June 11, 2018

A life without Dad

In a memory of my beloved Father.

Hey guys!

Losing someone close to you is never an easy task. Either it a serious relationship or just a beautiful friendship. When it ends it always hurt, right? Having experienced it all, I can honestly say, that losing someone because of their death is by far the worst kind of pain you could ever feel. I lost my dad when I was nine. He died from the stroke when he was only 34-year-old. In the middle of his beautiful life. And nine-year-old is a pretty mature enough to understand that a person you loved the most has just died. And you’ll never be able to see them again anymore. I don’t talk about how I feel about losing my dad, or what’s inside my heart, do I still feel any pain. People ask me this quite often. I always answer that I’m okay because a lot of time has passed by now. But to be honest, whenever I remember him, my eyes are full of tears. The pain never went away, and never will. That’s not that kind of pain you can lose with time. It’s different.

A while ago, I had a dreadful day, and I wrote a letter to my dad which I am going to share with you today. And who cares if he’ll never read it? Just want to ask you, if you still have a dad, go and hug him, tell him how much you love him because anytime can be the last time... 

„ Hi, Dad, 

It’s been a while since we last spoke or seen each other. Almost 14 years to be exact. Hope you’re doing good up there. I am not doing very good down here to be fair. I am having a lot of sick days currently, don’t know why. I don’t feel happy anymore. And you know, since you left a lot of has changed. I grew up to a big girl. I’m 23 today. Time goes fast, huh? Looks like just yesterday you looked at your little girl who was waiting for her 10th birthday. 
I always think of you. Think about how we played games together, went fishing even if I didn’t know how or was afraid of worms, or how we together annoyed mom. It was so much fun. You were my best friend without any questions, and I miss you a lot. Why did you have to leave me so early? Losing you left a huge hole in my heart, that will never heal. That hole is full of memories about you, and nobody will ever replace it for me. 
I am writing to you because that’s all I am capable of. I wish I could visit you, sit down next to you and tell you about my life. Tell you that I moved from home, how I had my first love or broke my heart for the first time… How many first times I had in my life, and you weren’t there to see them… Sometimes I lay in bed late at night after an awful day, wishing that there would be an option to turn time back. And no, I wouldn’t turn it back to the beginning of the day to make it better, I’d turn it straight back to November 2003 so I could take your hand and bring you to doctors before it was too late.
And you know! You’re a grandfather now. Your son, my brother, has a baby. Wish you could be alive to see how beautiful she is. At least for a day. Oh, dad, I have so much to tell you… I changed a lot since the day you left; I was never the same kid. I don’t know why, but the older I get, the more I miss and need you. Sometimes I think, why did it have to happen to me, why God punished me so severely? Why he had to take my world from me at such a young age?
Anyway. I am writing to you to say thank you. Thank you for giving me the best nine years of my life, full of love joy and laugh. Thank you for being my dad and my hero. For making me feel secure and loved to the moon and back. For showing me that fishing is as fun as playing with dolls. Teaching me, that even girls can play Mortal Kombat with PlayStation and it’s nothing wrong with it. Thank you, for always wiping my tears away when mom was too stressed and shouted at me. Also, thank you for spanking my ass with a belt when I was acting like an ungrateful kid. Even if nowadays they say it’s child abuse, I never felt abused. And also if I thought you didn’t love me when you did it, now I understand it wasn’t something wrong, and it was me who deserved it. The biggest thank you for loving my mom. And me. For bringing me into this life. Sadly, God didn’t give you a chance to see me growing, but I am trying my best to do everything that could have made you proud of me. 
My heart is bleeding every single day. I can’t think about you without crying. I really wish you could come back and hug me one more time. I always tell people I am fine and doing good when they ask me about you. But I want you to know it’s been a real thug life without you for me and mom. And for grandma too. She almost dead after you left. Well, what could be worse than burying your own child… And you must know that everyone at home still miss you. Even after all those years, we never stopped loving you and never will. You are in our hearts, watching us all from above the sky. My thoughts are always with you. It took me 14 years to finally express myself, to talk out loud about how I feel about losing you. And it feels good to finally be able to speak about this. With you I had the best childhood ever. And the only thing I’d change is to have you longer than I had. Hang in there, daddy, one day we’ll meet again. Love you lots. Forever.”

Love your Dad. You only get one in a lifetime. And when He’s gone – He’s gone forever.




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